Dating emotionally unavailable
I’m a 42 year old single mom who is very attractive (I look about 7 years younger), fun, has a great smile and laugh (and does both a LOT), emotionally stable, and not looking to race to the altar.
So Evan where can I find the emotionally available mentally healthy men who will appreciate a woman like me? Joan A very honest letter, Joan, which is particularly timely, given yesterday’s thematically similar posting. Now, by your estimation, there are no men out there who are either a) interested or b) qualified for a long-term relationship. And let’s delve into the assertion that “being a pretty, happy, vivacious ‘cool chick’ is a big negative strike against you. What is true is that your options are unfairly limited.
I anticipate that you speak for a lot of readers out there – quality woman who are frustrated at their ability to meet quality men. If we take everything you wrote at simply face value, you’re pretty close to the perfect woman. This is a dilemma that faces any woman on the far side of 35.
Second of all, the greater likelihood is that not that he’s intimidated, but that he doesn’t want to be challenged by you on every little matter. Most of them want to date someone younger – because they can.
This doesn’t mean he wants you to “dumb it down.” It means he wants you to “take it easy.” That said, men ARE impossibly shallow. Clients who tell me, as they show me their lists of hot, underaged favorites, “I can’t help what I’m attracted to”. But if you are all the things you say you are, I have no doubt that some quality single dad is going to grab you and never let you go.
Everyone talks about how middle aged men want to date younger women, but take a look at some twentysomething profiles and you’ll notice how many are willing to date men up to twenty years older then them, but rule out candidates born 12 months after them.
That’s their perogative, but i can’t help but wonder how many women dated older men in their twenties, and then complained that their peers considered them too old 10 years later.
Studies have shown that people in couples overestimate what they bring to relationships – their generosity, their emotional availability – because they are exclusively inside their own heads.
We remember our good deeds more than others’ good deeds. So am I saying that you, Joan, are anxious and negative? What I am saying is that you’re only seeing things from your own perspective. If you’ve gone out with a handful of guys who ended up with drama queens, that brings up a very obvious question: why would any man prefer a drama queen over you?
But as we mature and value ourselves, we tend to court what makes sense for us in the long term.